Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
