Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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