My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
