I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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