this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
