so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Panties = found
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
