Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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