words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
pray to the hookup gods
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
