Is it normal to miss your booty call?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
