and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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