can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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