would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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