my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
