dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
