Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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