i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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