They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
