oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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