now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
