she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
