God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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