I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
