Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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