just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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