i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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