I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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