I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
