The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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