Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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