i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
When are your genitals available?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
