Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Someone signed my nipple.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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