If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
