I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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