they need to just BURY HIM!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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