My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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