No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
