Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Are my feet made of real feet?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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