I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
