She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
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I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
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I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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