Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
