I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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