who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
