in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
