my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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