Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
