Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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