i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
