You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
