:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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