I haven't been this sober since birth.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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