Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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