my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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