My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
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He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
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They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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