it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
