just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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