i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
