Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
