Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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